Can someone help me? i need advice?

im in love with my best friend and i understand and respect that she doesn't feel the same idc as long as she's my friend. Right now were not allowed to talk becuz of her parents becuz of my issues in the past. i used to yell at my friend and made her cry becuz of my jealousy and now it's been 5 months and i had near-death attempts of suicide cuz i just wanted the pain to end cuz i can never forgive myself for what i did to her and she has forgiven me but i can't forgive myself. i hated and cried seeing the pain in her eyes everytime and i still do when i accidently reminisce. i let my anger get to me. she never deserved it andi'm not attention whore i just don't want to lose the close friendship that we've had i mean we used to cuddle on the bus and hug each other everyday. im gonna get to apologize it's just im nervous about doing it cuz i scared her parents as well when they found out about my almost death but an ex friend mentioned it to them and i never wanted that. I'm better than i used to be as in im mor in control with my anger. i just need some advice.